Below is the @pourmecoffee fine print and master inventory of canned responses for resolution of recurring online disputes. Feel free to reference these yourself at this location should the need arise.
- It is solely your responsibility to find the hilarity. No humor explanations.
- Please tell me more about how I might use my time and talent to perfectly match your unique sensibilities!
- I note your assertion of my (moral) (intellectual) (physical) inferiority.
- I acknowledge your attempt at a (clever) (devastating) (hilarious) insult.
- I recognize your effort to improve upon my original idea (from an opposing ideological view) (with a slightly different twist).
- I am willing to stipulate that you are a very big deal online.
- I acknowledge your supposedly more (nuanced) (intellectually rigorous) (fancy-sounding) take on my short post.
- I understand you are going to (block) (unfollow) (block/unfollow) me for righteous reasons.
- I recognize the unfathomable injustice of my insignificant voice drowning out the singular wisdom of yours.
- Thank you for praying for me.
- I accept that my (candidate) (idea) (team) lost a contested outcome which you now assert as complete vindication of your superiority over me.
- Thank you for the correction of a trivial (spelling) (grammatical) (typing) (semantic) error which did not obscure the point of the post.
- I ackowledge your extrapolation of personal preference into a blanket judgment of objective value.
- I appreciate your candor, but it is none of my business what you think of me.
- Thanks for (correcting) (criticizing) (dismissing) my subjective interpretation of something by offering up your own as definitive.
- I confess to the exaggeration you identified. This technique is sometimes used in humor.
- I acknowledge that you or someone (blogged) (posted) (tweeted) the same or similar thing before me. Time constraints make it difficult for me to double-check the entire Internet before posting something. True story: sometimes more than one person thinks of a thing! I don’t ever knowingly steal stuff, period.
- I accept your (declaration of victory) (accusation of cowardice) over my refusal to (engage) (debate) (argue) with you.
- I am in receipt of your unsolicited complaint about the relative (humor) (interest) (value) of a particular post.
- I instantly and irreversibly block based on @replies I find even slightly annoying. Yes, it’s selfish. Yes, it’s about me. That’s the whole point. It’s not that I care about your brilliant reply or who reads my posts. You could very well be “right.” I just don’t care. I don’t want to hear it. I have no patience for conflict junkies or hyper-argumentative people polluting my stream. I don’t want to debate. I don’t want to trade clever put-downs. I don’t want to go back and forth trying to get the last word. I don’t like to be trolled, nitpicked, insulted or bothered. If I happen to see something annoying, I immediately block. This is a personal account. You’re not paying for it. Shocking: I don’t like to get hassled, and will block to avoid it. I’m not the guy to satisfy your need for epic battles, flame wars, or online validation. There are plenty of people itching for a fight, just not me. Go be annoying, rude, combative or your positive spin on those things somewhere else. I will ruthlessly curate my online experience to selfishly satisfy my own sensibilities and make it fun for me, period.
- I don’t reply a lot, but I only have so much Twitter time and believe the best contribution I can make is to attempt some smart, funny and/or interesting original content — so that’s what I try to do. I appreciate all reposts and mentions, but If you are into keeping score, demanding a follow, interaction, insisting on help for your cause, negotiating mentions and such — this is probably not the feed for you. I want to focus my energy on trying to do something well: creating an original funny and/or interesting feed while being highly disciplined about the uncompensated time I spend online. If you don’t like that, unfollow. I don’t want to defend or discuss it.
- I sense my writing displeases you. I suggest not reading it.
What to do if you still have a problem: j.mp/solvedyourproblem
This post is merely an inventory of boilerplate conflict responses. Writing @pourmecoffee is fun.